I posted an experience on Facebook the other day that I should have blogged about months ago, but it has taken me this long to process the whole thing—subtle as it may seem. I didn’t even realize it’s been almost a year since the Holy Spirit shared this truth with me; I have not been able to journal like I want to—but thank God I wrote this one down and had the date stamped on it! So below, you will find what I wrote back in November of 2015 when it first happened, and after that—I’ll jump to present day.
Just the other day, the Holy Spirit whispered to me and said,” WOW.”
I knew it was the Holy Spirit because…well, because I just knew. There are times when I think it’s him (the pronoun “him” only being used because our limited language typically calls for the masculine pronoun when it’s (1) actually a male OR (2) to address something generally—without specifying gender. I personally don’t believe that the Holy Spirit is “male.” I think that it’s exactly what the Word tells us: it/He is SPIRIT, which—coming from God—means that it holds both male and female forms; just like Adam; Eve came from him, indicating that the female was always there. Does this make sense to you? Okay, I’m probably confusing people, so let me get back on track).
Anyway, the Holy Spirit whispered to me and simply said, “WOW.” I say “whispered” because it came in such a gentle form but that doesn’t equate to passive or overly soft; I heard it clearly and above all other noise (another reason I knew it was the Holy Spirit). I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular when I heard it or even praying about anything. But that’s the thing…when you’re always faced towards God—He will speak because He knows your ear is always in a state of expectancy that you could hear from Him at any moment!
So when I heard this (internally speaking), I said, “What?” Because I was completely caught off guard. I said, ” ‘Wow’ what?” and He said, “Woman of Worth. That’s what you are. W.O.W.”
And that’s when I said, “WOW.” For months—HECK, YEARS now! – I have been bogged down physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially–you name it! And that takes such a toll on you after a while; I’ve struggled so long with simply feeling worthy.
As women, we tend to take on the cares of life and all its responsibilities without fully realizing the weight of it all. Not only that, we get so engrossed in being dutiful citizens—whether that’s great wives, mothers, girlfriends, daughters, sisters, or just friends! There’s something in us that compels us to help those in need. We might have different methods of doing it—but we pick up “slack” everywhere we go. And when we do this, we can lose ourselves; we end up becoming defined by what we are doing rather than who we really are. All of a sudden, we’re so-and-so’s mom, rather than just us. We work for such-and-such company, rather than just being us. Yes, this will happen sometimes. I honestly believe that when you do have children, there are periods where we sow into them so much that we are selfless. Personally, I believe there’s a time for that—because they don’t stay small for long and we need to impart into their lives as much as we can, particularly during the developmental ages & stages. But we can’t fully neglect ourselves; in the end, that’s not good for our children and it’s certainly not good for ourselves. We get so consumed with our “roles” that resting in our womanhood/femininity can lose its luster—literally taking a backseat to everything else. Or maybe this is just the exception for me and a handful of other women I know. The rest of you might have it all figured out—and if so, I will gladly receive some advice on how to be a 20-something year old woman. Because I am too young to have become more comfortable wearing sweat pants and running shoes than skirts and heels.
I had lunch several weeks back with one of my former professors, and she literally had to give me instructions on how to take care of ME. I’d forgotten how. (Or did I ever really know?) I’ve never been one of those girls who had to get their hair done all the time, or get the nails done, or have a spa day. I didn’t grow up doing it (mainly due to my family’s financial state; but I was also a tomboy! I’ve never been high-maintenance). Yet, when I have experienced these things on rare occasions—I’m like, “Man! Why don’t I do this more often? I feel like a whole new woman!” But I haven’t been conditioned for it. And I believe I’m at a place in my life where God, Abba father, is telling me, “Baby girl, take care of you. I value you, and I want you to value yourself.” And maybe that’s where I’m all messed up right now; I don’t fully see myself the way God sees me. Hmmm…as I type this, I can’t help but come to terms with that.
Sure, in some aspects—I’m able to walk in who I am in Christ. But when it comes to truly valuing CRYSTOLYN…I don’t know if I’ve ever really done that. The times I have—it happens in my head much more than I’m able to express outwardly. I’ll tell myself (against my will) that I’m beautiful—no matter how I look. And then I’ll go the gym and see my reflection, and welp! –there goes that! LOL
I’ve been in a relationship with the same man for over a decade now, and although he tells me I’m beautiful—it’s hard to feel like it’s genuine sometimes. I’m just being real (and I have my reasons…but that’s not what this blog is about right now). My point is, we can’t—I can’t—put the pressure on anyone else to make us/me feel valuable. This is a lesson I have to learn myself, partly because I was TAUGHT to put myself LAST at all times. So this whole thing about putting myself at the forefront is foreign, to say the least. I’m so used to being around people who need me to do something for them— including my kids! (Because let’s be real, they don’t know how to be anything but selfish at this age). I’m so conditioned to be “needed” all the time—that it has affected the way I feel about myself. And that has to change. It must change. And it is changing.
I AM…a Woman Of Worth.
Since the Holy Spirit whispered this to me, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I’m supposed to share this message with other women. As God has been molding me and shaping me into the woman He created me to be, and it has not been a fun process. It’s been years now of undergoing this spiritual surgery, and I believe that I’m supposed to have a space where I provide other women on how to surrender to the process of being made over by Him. It may not be new to all; it wasn’t new to me. But each level requires a new type of faith and a higher level of spiritual accountability. This ain’t easy when you don’t have a team standing with you. So I want to make that possible. I’ve been doing it alone, and I believe it was meant to be that way for me. Because I only had God with me, I know what it’s like to feel totally alone–and my faith was elevated more than ever. When you’re called to lead, sometimes your walk is lonelier and can be harder–because you have to learn to walk when nobody is with you but God Himself. I look forward to sharing more as I get instructions on what the Lord’s vision is for all of this.
Peace & Love!